who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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