Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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