i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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