she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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