Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
