i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
