yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
