don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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