I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
