couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
