Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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