she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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