I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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