i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
