Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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