she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
