it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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