So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
