Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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