omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
