This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
