1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just cropdusted the office
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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