Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
