we have pet lesbian snakes
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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