Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
