I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
