Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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