i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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