my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize