The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
