I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
