Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
