The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
