Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We left an ass print on the piano.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
