I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
