Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize