She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
