He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
