and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
