We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize