wanna go halves on a baby?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
