Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
