I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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