I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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