get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
