its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
