Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
