Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
