Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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