I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
