I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
