So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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