I wish my penis had an off switch
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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