I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
