I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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