When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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