My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
