no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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