just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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