You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
