Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
