Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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