And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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